THE REASON WHY THERE ARE SO MANY SINGLE PEOPLE OUT THERE!

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THE REASON WHY THERE ARE SO MANY SINGLE PEOPLE OUT THERE!

by kojo Published: April 13th, 2009 80 comments so far

kojo3

KOJO’S VOICE

THE REASON WHY THERE ARE SO MANY SINGLE PEOPLE OUT THERE!

Hey guys! Welcome to my first blog for The Voice! I hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think by leaving a comment at the end!

Let’s be honest, we are living in a world where people can do a lot of things by and for themselves. As a result we are now witnessing the highest rate of self-employed people ever! If you’re a budding entrepreneur, you need to have someone in your life who wants the same thing or it makes it difficult to truly be together.

In my opinion the number one reason why there are so many single people out there is because people are too scared to grow up! That’s one of the main reasons why you will see a 30-year-old heading down to a rave for 18 – 25 year-olds or men (and women) who are 30+ clinging to their youth by wearing clothes for those half their age!

But one of the main problems for me is people who continue to lie to themselves – like people who say that they are happy being single. We all know what we really need in our partner but because the sin in us makes us lust for something that isn’t good for us we end up in relationships that ruin any chance for future love. That then breeds the “What’s the point in starting another relationship for it to mess up again” mentality.

Everyone one has that one person in their life who would worship the ground they walk on and treat them like a King or Queen, but what’s the problem? We are not attracted to them so we blow them out and seek the love of a beautiful fool who we know from the start will treat us like crap.

I laugh at any woman who at the age of 40 is still walking around saying, “All men are fools!” At what point in your miserable life do you look at yourself and think “Maybe I might be the problem?”

My advice? Be the person you would love to meet! Like attracts like, so in order to find the special someone become special yourself! Stop going out to places you know will be the same or where you can
predict the outcome of the night. If you change where you go then your findings change too!

I’m out!

www.kojotv.com

This entry was posted on Monday, April 13th, 2009 at 10:47 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

80 Responses to “THE REASON WHY THERE ARE SO MANY SINGLE PEOPLE OUT THERE!”

Antoinette Says:
April 14th, 2009 at 11:21 am

I definately agree with teh content of your blog,too many individulas these days are too quick to point teh finger at teh other person and sya who is at fault why teh realtionship does not work ,and you are so right about not being attracted to teh one who trully loves you ,on teh flip side both people may be attraected to each other and trully love each other but also too sacred to take there relationship to a serious level ,so they both decide to be friends and end up in the end with the wrong people ,over also I thing relationships are tricky,and seriously no one really wants to be single and alone at 40
Kirsty White Says:
April 14th, 2009 at 1:51 pm

It’s so true about not being attracted to people who are attracted to us! lol! WHY IS THAT? I know so many people, myself included, who run after people who so obviously don’t want to be caught! Lol. I think it’s the thrill of the chase, because once you catch them, it’s not fun anymore!
Good blog. Keep it up!
Aisha Says:
April 14th, 2009 at 2:24 pm

The biggest thing that has helped me on the road out of singledom is: doing the things that I enjoy, and meeting people who enjoy them too!!!

1. I officially stopped trying to put square pegs into round holes: if he doesn’t have similar interests to me before I meet him, he is not likely to develop them. No matter how hot he is. And that hotness does fade, and alot sooner than I thought.

2. I stopped hoping they is more to the man who….well…is not showing much more.

3. I stopped putting a face/look/style before a person. And let the men show me what they have, rather than me taking a guess.

And…4. I can’t give a man a sense of humor, or help him understand mine, and a relationship without humor is a very sad prospect.

Peace,
Anlo-Ewe Says:
April 15th, 2009 at 11:58 am

In one respect what you speak is almost true on the surface, but as you look deeper……..there is indeed very little content of value, but you are still young and time will bring you more experience and wisdom and gradually you will understand the passages of life that a woman goes through as you grow into a man (perhaps you need to discuss these type of things with your mother or another older wise woman). You forgot two very very important issues here. The dis-empowerment and destruction of the family and extended family within Britain, which supports marriage and relationships. And then there is NATURE. I am afraid that when there is a race between ” The System v Nature”. I will assure you Mother Nature will win. That is why we are alive today, and that is why each second of the day humankind is blessed with a newborn. D I feel very sorry for Black women raising their children on their own, it is very difficult in an Anglo Saxon Society to go it alone, even without children, it always helps when two people work harmoniously together.

Dahomey Male Warriors never cast stones and always come to the aid of a Dahomey Female Warrior’s call. And it sounds like those women that you have been listening to are in fact crying in sorrow. I can see it, why cant you?
And to those women, I feel your pain, and as a man I am sorry and saddened and wish to apologise for any indignation that my fellow men have put upon you, any pain and tears that we have caused. And although I can not take your pain away, I can learn as an individual person, where ever my path leads me in life, to help and appreciate. Can you say something like that to our AFRICAN QUEENS kojo? .or are you just yapping!
Richard Says:
April 16th, 2009 at 2:00 pm

Big up bro!
mr pinnock Says:
April 17th, 2009 at 1:19 am

Now in honesty I think that what you are saying at some points is true, but I also take the view that it is not entirely fair to say some of the things you have.
Now we all are probably at an age to realise that opposties just like similarties can be the reason behind an attraction but in order to get the kinda person you
Want I feel that being like the is not the key. I think that it is time that we as a generation need to realise that one of the most important things in a relationship
Is life goals, if you and your partner share the same life goals and are aiming for similar equalities of life then that can be used as a building block the foundation
Of your relationship which everything else can be built on or from. Are generation has been less fortunate and more becuase of the time we live, we have been
Over exposed to sex making us place unnaturaly high importance on it in our relationships and taking away from the initial commitment that a relationship should
Be build on. I think people need to be re-educated as to why you should want to be with someone and taught that an attraction does not have to result in sex or
Lead directly to it. It should follow like this attraction-commitment-sex-child and if you are fortunate to have found god marriage before sex. When entering into a
Relationship it is important to ask yourselfs what exactly is it that I aim to get from this relationship, what is it that the other person wants to get are our goals
Compatible, if both just want sex that’s find good to you for finding someone with the same goals if you find there goals are not compatible with yours then be fair
To both of you and leave them if require, the idea of month and flame might sound like fun but no one likes being burnt or hurt. Anyway I feel like I’m losing the
Point of what I was aiming to say but in all I think its a re-education that is required by our generation and basic ecomonic training because its easy to see baby at 18
Will make it considerably harder for you to achieve or even identify what life goals you have and whom you may be compatible with due to that, its hard enough to
Find yourself at that age let alone find somebody at the same time start a career and maintain friendships you have .

Mr Pinnock signing out hope u enjoy give me some feed back mrdeanpinnock@yahoo.co.uk
malaku Says:
April 18th, 2009 at 4:09 pm

It’s quite simple. there are two reasons why i am single: equally by choice and by circumstance. i am just not lets say prevaleged to meet a woman who would understand what it means to take a relationship to a higher level, that is a higher spiritual level (nothing to do with religeon) a higher mental level, a higher intellectual level etc. these attributes can only be attained because the individual sees the necessesity to move on from the lower level (so to speak) the usual stuff of merely going to dinner, the cinema, bowling, having a bottle of wine at the dinner table, flowers at ‘valentine’ the commercial religous madness that surrounds christmas. but what i am talking about is to make a sweet higher level connection with that someone in your life. unfortunately that is what is missing from my life. loneliness? am i lonely? maybe i am and that’s because none of the women i have met in recent years are into this spiritual higher heights scenario i have just described. but then again i am happy knowing that and seeing that the rest of the world are so mad and hyped over a level of thinking that i do not wish to a part of any more. currently whenever i get female company i do lower my standards just to have a bit of fun, of course this is wrong but what else can i do? one female i met sometime ago, she asked me what can i do for her, i replied: first, its all about love respect and honour. that was the last i spoke to her. she just was not into that kind of foundation building. so brothers and sisters lets aim for the higher level, maybe it will start preventing our children from ending up like some of us: being single parents.
Maxine Says:
May 7th, 2009 at 6:30 pm

Yes Kojo you have stated some of the reasons for there being so many single people out there. Lets put things into perspective though! I can safely say that the mojority of singles within the black community are females.. agree?.. why because their is and has been for some time a shortage of black men. many mental institutions and prisons have captured our black men leaving so many single sisters.. I do believe if there were more available men then there would not be so many single sisters. Now that we are living in an era of men shortage. we can come up with all these reasons why there are so many singles but the truth be known this is the repercussions of slavery and us as black people been removed from our natural enviroment and customs..
Female Warrior Call Says:
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:29 pm

The comments from the men have been intelligent and knowlegible. I am a single mother in my forties, sometimes very lonely. This was not a consious choice, sub consiously chosen. Recently I came to realise through work based counselling my life choices were dictated by experiencing negative male role models in childhood. In the past I had chosen well but was too scared to take the relationship to the ultimate level of life committment. I feel so sad as I’ve missed so much. I have been single for 6 years now and still have hope of meeting a new love now that I know the real reasons. I wonder how many women have had the negative childhood experiences and never made the link. I presume many as children from the 50’s and 60’s parents experienced hard & challenging times in England which affected harmonious family life. Here’s hoping a male warrior hears my call.
Jermaine Says:
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:03 pm

Big the voice..
Veronica Says:
June 28th, 2009 at 7:09 pm

I find that positive and intelligent black men and black women in the UK are more likely to find themselves single due to the fact that it is quite difficult for them to find someone on the same level as themselves, this is not a problem within the West Indies, Africa and the USA.
cherry knowles Says:
June 29th, 2009 at 2:34 pm

typical yet another veiled attack on black women by another sista hating black man, providing a real example of a fool who has been given a voice. better to be single and happy, choosing to have friendships and relations with whom we choose, rather than stuck with some useless, insecure, lazy, woman beating excuse for a man. newsflash sherlock we don’t need your worthless backsides any more.
Natalia Says:
June 29th, 2009 at 7:06 pm

Very true. Spot on mate. Hit the nail on the head! I’m definately in this predicament. So frustrating.

So exactly where are these “different” places to go?? You tell me. lol

Continue what your doing Kojo.
Bless up
Nae Says:
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:31 pm

Very true indeed Kojo you’ve touched up on really good points. However i also think there is a danger of people rushing into relationships without dealing with their previous baggage and carrying it to the next relationship, and when it fails people seem not to be able to comphrehend why.

Also as old fashioned as this notion might sound, i don’t think people tend to take enough time to get to know each other. A fancy car, clothes, good looks and sex seems to be almost enough to ignite a relationship nowadays. This whole “independant” ideaology is also being taken way out of context and is creating a culture of loneliness and continuing to raise bitter children in single homes all this usually goes back to what the relationships were built on from the get go.

At the moment, i’m quite happy to be where i am in my life, thus being able to understand my purpose in life and work towards it as well as dealing with all the excess relationship baggage that has allowed to bring me down and make poor choices in a partner in the past. Being in a relationship is not a part time thing, when i feel i’ve found someone who is equally commited to making it work and excelling in life like i am then that will be beautiful. For now there is other beautiful things in life i can discover and heights i can reach and behaviours that i am conqouring which i cant bring in to a relationship.
fiona Says:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:47 pm

THE REASON WHY PEOPLE ARE SINGLE IS OBVIOUSLY DOWN TO CHOICE, CIRCUMSTANCE AND SITUATIONS

I DO AGREE WITH WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT GUYS RUNNING AFTER THE PRETTIEST GIRLS EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE AN INCLIN BY THE TREATMENT SHE GIVES HIM THAT THE RELATIONSHIP WONT WORK- AND PITY FOR THE ONE DOWN THE ROAD WHOM YOUR NOT ATTRACTED TO BUT IS A REALLY NICE GIRL AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

SOMETIMES FOR A RELATIONSHIP TO WORK YOU BOTH NEED TO BE ABLE TO CONTRIBUTE EQUALLY, WITH ALOT OF BROTHERS( BASED ON THE STATISTICS) NOT IN EMPLOYMENT AND AND OUT OF EDUCATION IT IS HARD TO FIND A WOMEN THAT WILL TAKE HIM ON WITHOUT MAYBE JUDGING HIM AS LEACHER OR LAZY

DUE TO BLACK WOMEN NOT REACHING OVER THE OTHER SIDE THATS CHOOSING NOT TO DATE OUTSIDE OF THEIR RACE WHERE BLACK MEN HAVE THERE IS THAT SHORTAGE OF BLACK MEN WHERE THEY FIND THEMSELVES SINGLE AND ALSO YOU JUST HAVE THE REST OF THE FOLKS CHOOSING TO BE SINGLE THROUGH CHOICE ONES THAT DEVOTE THEIR TIME TO THEIR CAREER OF BUISNESS THERFORE NOT HAVING TIME TO INVEST IN A CAREER OR THE ONES THAT HAVE HAD BAD EXPERIENCES AND FEEL SAFER ON THEIR OWN
maxine thomas Says:
July 8th, 2009 at 2:56 pm

Hi i do agree with what you said which all is a contributory factor. We are actually living in a society whereby each and everyone is fighting for survival and unfortunately relationships have taken the back seat. The economical pressure placed on many people as caused this division.Family values are not promoted as the in thing fear is rather promoted instead, for example not all, but very often women are promote as gold diggers. Men and women are often promoted as against each other done covertly and overtly.
Ms D Says:
July 10th, 2009 at 4:58 pm

Kojo.
I agree with you.

But I don’t think it’s a matter of happy being single. But a matter of happy to be on your own rather than putting up with BS.
Also, when we reflect back. Yes, husband and wife stayed together but were they happy? Was it from choice or circumstance? I think these days we just have more choice (whether it’s beneficial or not) which means we don’t have to stay in something unless it’s good.
Sandra Roach Says:
July 13th, 2009 at 5:15 pm

Don’t give up. At 53 I have met a wonderful Jamaican man who is living in Jamaica, whilst I live and work in the UK. I hve had to kiss many a prince before finding my “prince charming”. Every day I just keep saying to myself the song by Etta James “At Last”.

The key is from a woman’s point, don’t give up, be sure your Mr Right will come along, even if you are middle age. By then he will have done all his running around, and will only have eyes for you.

How’s was not the conventional way of us getting together, he was introduced to me by a male friend. I was over the moon when we started talking over the ‘phone. I listened intentively to what he had to say, and how he said things. We shared so many things, even the fact we both shared the same christian name, and both seemed to want the same out of life. We exchanged ‘photo’s, and the rest as they say is history.

I am now looking forward to getting married for the first time in Jamaica on the 19th December 2009. Followed by a long a happy life with my husband to be.

So ladies and gents try thinking outside of the box. Don’t just depend on your Mr/Miss Right falling into your lap. Ask your friends if they can introduce you to a friend. By the time people get to their 50’s, they will usually have been married once in their life time and now single again.

GOOD LUCK!
Aja Says:
July 14th, 2009 at 10:22 pm

I believe that people had become selfish and too complicated.
materialism is the other cause of to many singles around.if one had less, the one whose got all wouldn’t want to share.
prince innocent Says:
July 17th, 2009 at 12:41 am

I feel that the reason why many people are single especially in the black community is because there is a lose of romance culture. Many black women have lost the art of seduction. Many do not really know what it takes to attract black men. The socio-economic level contributes to this inability too. The poorer ones are more concerned about money and gifts, which leads them into wrong relationships. Some wealthier or academically advanced ones claim there are less or no black men that match their standard. But in all, the truth is that due to pride or poverty, they have lost the art to attracting black man. Who learns the art shall never be without a loving man.
Maeve Says:
July 19th, 2009 at 4:19 pm

I have read every response and thought I might add to the debate. Whilst I agree with the sentiment that many people are unable to develop relationships at a “higher level”, many people also are simply satisfied with a relationship that is rather superficial. Those who are in the latter category are unable to figure out why things stop working after the first year or so and begin to wonder if they are in the right relationship. Rather than try to work things out and deepen the level of love and committment they have for each other, they begin to seek solace with the company of another, or decide to end the relationship thinking they might be better off on their own. What a shame that many people do not search for solutions that will help them to learn how to deepen their intimacy and level of committment with each other. They are truly missing out on a deeper understanding and a greater relationship.

So people choose to be single because they have become disheartened as the people they’ve been in relationship with have let them down, or the relationship has not been sufficiently fulfilling. I wonder if people truly look deep within themselves and ask some hard hitting questions what they would find? I advocate that people find the love they seek within themselves and become the person they wish to be with before placing importance on a relationship with another person. If you are unable to be with and love yourself, then how is it possible to be with, love and be loved by another?
Choose to be single by all means. Develop as a strong, loving, independent and committed adult. Create a life that you fully enjoy and give to others in the process. When you realise who you are and what you have to give to a relationship, you are more likely to make better choices in your love life.
Best wishes to everyone in their search for Mr or Miss Right!
Elle Says:
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:18 pm

I am in total agreement with Maeve, the last person to add to the blog. I find the whole dating, romancing etc in the black community in a very bad way. Men and women I feel are very lonley and loss souls in general. They dont want to be on their own, but at the same time they would rather be in any kind of relationship than be alone. I dont have the answers but I do believe in loving yourself and getting your self esteem in check. I ope you all eventually find love, its out there if you want it. Sometimes, it takes time to experience.

Stay Blessed.
LadyJ Says:
July 24th, 2009 at 4:22 pm

The article in itself has some truth.

However, saying that women over the 40s saying all men are fools is not far off.

There is a very small percentage of our black males that are confident in themselves and willing to accept working with someone they love and communicating. THAT PERCENTAGE IS MARRIED with a tiny percentage of the small percentage still available.

The rest are fools in the sense of poor choices: many baby mothers they can’t communicate and work with; having lots of girlfriends and dates and one-nighters they don’t really know what they want; choosing just a woman for looks treating them like crap and getting it in return then seeking solace with a sensible woman they don’t know how to treat well; and the list goes on and on and on.

Ultimately there are a few reasons for this:

Poor Male role models in their youth and growing up

Bad relationships with their mothers that they feel end there but actually carries into any relationship with a woman

Unresolved anger with female family members or themselves

Inhibitions and insecurities that make them retaliate when someone points out a criticism (even if done sweetly and constructively)

Yes THERE ARE FOOLISH MEN and there are GOOD MEN…..

Question is, what is the ratio of Foolish to Good?????
Ann Brown Says:
July 27th, 2009 at 9:19 am

I think if we had a similar system to the Asian their will be a lot less single Black British out there. I know a friend would asked her cousin from Jamaica to find her a man. Not no visa looker broke pocket man, that feel if he cook and clean that he work done, no Educated man. She now marriage living in the USA as he works for Nato. My next friend went to Jamaica to Visit her Grandmother. Lots of man came to visit however her Gran would point out which one was good or bad. She met a very lovely Gent they have now set up there own plumbing business. As his skill was in plumbing and she has a degree in Business studies, yes they are marriage.
Sophia Says:
July 28th, 2009 at 12:05 pm

How refreshing, men and women talking about this age old thing called love, respect and relationships. Excellent posts that have really given me food for thought. I am of the view that a healthy self esteem/worth leads to better choices that equal better relationships both with yourself and others. NB people only treats us the way we allow ourselves to be treated, if your golden continue to act as such irrespective of the person, trial or tribulation. No hunting is ever required so you give so you recieve (without expectation).

Sx
As It Really Is Says:
July 28th, 2009 at 6:57 pm

Black women nowadays especially them born in the UK,too materialistic, maybe if you lot learn how to treat a man like a human being, and not like a cashpoint, things might start looking up, and another thing black women from London, a real smile now and again wont kill you, stop being so stonefaced, because when you all go to the Caribbean you all dont get on with that kind of nonsense.
Equality? Says:
July 29th, 2009 at 5:03 pm

Interesting debate. The uk is an all for itself culture, and I would say black women are just as bad as black men in this current time. Finding a good person is the problem. Everybody is born equal, so just because you are on top of your game why look down and judge people as not your equal. Marriage is about find that other half that completes you, not the person that carries the same salary.
Ann Brown Says:
August 1st, 2009 at 11:31 am

why is when black woman are looking for the best in a man they are materialistic and when other do it not class as materialistic. Don’t get me wrong their are woman out there like the but it the fault of the stupid man to picking woman like that how many man pick the ugly gal ? hardly any. And when you meet the woman that seem to have everything you want you get rob its no fault by own on vanity. What wrong with aiming high? I’m not say the man has to have a lot of money but penitential has to be there.
Ann Brown Says:
August 1st, 2009 at 11:34 am

why is when black woman are looking for the best in a man they are materialistic and when other do it not class as materialistic. Don’t get me wrong their are woman out there like that are materialistic but the same goes for man and what they look for. It the fault of the stupid man who chooses a woman like that how many man pick the ugly gal ? hardly any. And when you meet the woman that seem to have everything you want you get rob its nobody fault by own vanity. What wrong with aiming high? I’m not say the man has to have a lot of money but penitential to grow as a person.
amanda Says:
August 4th, 2009 at 2:25 pm

I agree with the majority of the comments posted. There are many strings to this debate. Yes there are at times imbalances in terms of socio-economic status, education, even down to values and general outlook.

The comments about black women being materialistic i think are rather generalised. Not all women be they black or not are greedy, materialistic, gold diggers. That’s like saying most black men are wasters, drug dealers, pimps etc. There is good and bad in everyone regardless of race. I think those who are of that ilk (greedy etc) are those who have failed to strive and thus rely on having someone make provision for them. Both men and women need to aim high. However, when you do aim high, it does become harder to find someone becuase the ’said’ person may well feel intimidated by what you bring to the table and what they bring in comparision.

Finding the ‘right’ place to meet potential partners is hard though. How many men can you meet that are genuine whether you look ‘on road’, the club, church or wherever else. I have found it very hard to meet someone, not because of being an educated woman (when the men i’ve dated prefer the more submissive type) but its been more along the lines of some men not wanting to be in a committed relationship. Now while i can only talk about my experience, and being a psychologist, much can be said about early family experiences (e.g. absence of parental figures, divorces in families etc etc) as being contributory factors in the make-up of both men and women and what they subsequently bring to a relationship. As a potential result of these factors, people move from one relationship to another carrying baggage and not recognising their contribution to a failed romance.

I know someone mentioned black women not being seductive anymore. My view on this is, it perhaps isn’t so much about losing seduction. From the examples of men that i’ve dated and many friends (from varying racial groups), its more to do with gender roles. Many men, i am afraid to say have forgotten they are men and still prefer to be mummied, instead of acting like the grown folk they are. This can lead to women subscribing to both their own role as a woman and having to take on the ‘male’ role in a relationship which feminises their partner. If women were allowed be it implictly or explicitely to resume their female status rather than being forced into alpha female mode, i am quite sure there would be fewer issues finding someone.

So, whilst we talk about multiple factors being involved. Maybe its me, but i’ve not read a male comment yet apart from Kojo’s. Does that potentially say something about recognising an issue and trying to tackle it?
Faadaras Says:
August 4th, 2009 at 5:50 pm

One of the reasons i see is women have some mr right in her mind when she is looking and when they do by chance find mr right its usualy someone pretending until they get what they want, another reason is they have some good men living around them for years and they still prefer to look for some one they dont know and then find out that they are not right for them, (we are too good friends to go out) come on we spend years trying to be friends with our pardners only to find out we cant be and the only thing we have in comon is the sex is good,
Start looking at home for mr right or miss right, because at least you are friends and thats a good start
7101 Says:
August 5th, 2009 at 10:28 am

I think the reason why so many people are single is because
people are not nice to each, jealous, deceitful, use each other this leads to mistrust and fear.

Thirdly life does not always go to plan, people have not discovered who they really are and what they want.

And last but not least we don’t want to take risks with people who can cause you long term damage, think about it, your alone with hardly any problems then you meet this person and after while all hell breaks lose, divorce, single parenthood, financial debts, cos both men and women love to spend each others money and worst HIV/AIDS.

It does not matter how old your are we all still find it hard to love ourselves but easy to love/attract/like and want someone we don’t even know.

Finding love, knowing if it is real and being alone is very difficult!
Donpilco Says:
August 5th, 2009 at 12:13 pm

Why are there so many Single Black Women? Answer, because you are all so miserable, stoneface and so hard to communicate with! You could all try to open up a little, instead of being so upperity and “superior” (note i used ” “). If at 40 some women are still looking around, well honey it ain’t going to happen for you again, face it. You have probably 7 large bags pulling after you and which man do you think is going to put up with this? Furthermore, no man wants a 40+ year old black woman anymore, have to seen the 25’s – 30’s year old women, they seem to be very clued up in the romance game and have no kids, are fitter, wiser and have no baggage. For men 40 is the new 30, for women it not the same, 40 means 40, harsh but true, ask yourself this how many men have tried to chat you up now compared to when you were 30. SNM! The old Jamaican saying springs to mind, “Cow never know the use of his tail till butcher chop it off” and “Pick and pick till you pick sh*t”
Wums Says:
August 6th, 2009 at 2:40 pm

I believe that women and men are chasing after the things that do not matter, money, house, car, job what good is it all if you do not have companionship/someone to share it with.

I also believe there are a lot of men out to waste our time, women should also be asking men the right questions so as not to waste their own time
angel Says:
August 6th, 2009 at 5:24 pm

its simple…too many women and not enough men
King Says:
August 7th, 2009 at 10:34 pm

man, there’s tons of quality black men. I think there’s enough for every quality sistah that’s out there. I think the reason why alot smart black men are afraid to be married, it’s because of the trend divorce rate is high than its ever been and its going to keep going higher and higher and feminist movement causes alot women to be independant and selfish. You guys need to know how the system works and the banking families keep playing us like chess .And is tottally destroying black family unit so that kind of makes us reluctant before getting into marriage . Beacause marriage is bussiness to me. plus another thing I’ll have to say please alot of you black women need to learn how to be a women and be more submissive. and another reason why alot sistah’s can’t find strong intelligient black men because alot black men were raised in single parent household and the mothers teach their sons to follow and praise women in their life and eventually makes alot women to lose respect for these sissy brothers and then these sistah’s become unsatsified and dump them with ease. A man role is being a leader point blank. my last point is alot sistahs were raised in single parent household and alot of them still don’t know how to treat a real man , so they limit their game and lower their standard into dating loosers and parole brothers who can’t provide for the household in the long run. that causes alot of these sistahs to be single mothers aswell.
malaku Says:
August 9th, 2009 at 11:26 am

‘as it really is’ you are right. i live in London and man oh man, its like a mine field here. sometimes getting a black sister to pleasantly acknowlege you is like asking the Sun to come 100 miles closer to earth during winter. overall, this is the problem: we black people have a problem in the way we relate to each other- in relationships and even in business. we black people have been through alot (slavery, colonialism, post independence political tribalism eg look at jamaica) so social psychology is in overdrive in many of our lives. alot of us do not realise how necessary it is for unity and to treat each other with love and respect. i met a black sister recently, we spoke pleasantly for a few minutes and exchanged numbers. she called me later that day, shouting, her greeting was ‘WHO DIS AND WEH U WANT’ i was completely caught off guard and bemused, i calmly called her name, she shouted, repeating the greeting above a second and third time. then i said its me, mentioning my name. the thing here is peoples attitudes towards others. sadly i meet alot of women who i would describe as ‘problem cases’ only a few days or a week after meeting them, i can see that these individuals do have personal issues and problems that would prevent us forming a unique and special relationship. for the most part i am happy because i am not in a miserable relationship so i am thankful to some of the women that turn me down. we have a problem in the way we relate to each other. i love my black sisters dearly but its no wonder why so many of us seek partner comforts with other races. there is a very very interesting documentary film on the internet its called ‘Diary of a Tired Blackman’.
Donpilco Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 1:57 pm

King do you actually believe the crap you’re talking! Sounds like something out of Zulu 1725. You need to stop by the nearest travel agent and book a one way ticket back to that lost tribe you escaped from. Men and Women are equal!

The topic was why there are so many single women out there NOT how you would like to live in butou land in deepest Congo you prat. A what’s with all this sistahs rubbish, do you have relationships with your “sistahs”, guess that’s one way of keeping it in the family.

Now i know why some women are single… yes… YOU… you Fish.
malaku Says:
August 12th, 2009 at 12:08 pm

i dont want to post comment after comment after comment but Donpilco, i am trying to figure out what is your background. you criticise the use of the word sister, i guess if you cant differenciate between your immidiate blood relative and the total black family diaspora then you have a lot to learn. the other thing, you may have just revealed a little bit of where you stand in terms of knowing, embrasing and apprecia-loving our (his)our-story, when you are saying that one should go back to the deepest boutoland Congo. all might not be well in my dearest Mother Africa but when you diss my Mother Africa you actually diss yourself. particularly if you are black.
Jo Says:
August 16th, 2009 at 12:35 am

Too many are chasing branded products in order to appear better than everyone else. This is evident in the whole country but is quite stark in the black community. I’ve never seen so many prestige cars being driven by people with regular jobs or no jobs at all!!!!

A touch of humility would be welcome from both sexes.

People need to establish values when choosing a partner. I’ve met so many women who are obsessed with what’s on the television and don’t know what’s going in the news and current affairs.
maria Says:
August 18th, 2009 at 9:21 pm

I honestly believe this time and age there is a conspiracy to break down the black family unit and eventually make black families extinct. If you look at the media most black men are featured with white women you never see two black couples? why because its enpowering to the black community you never see postive role models of black women or black men unless they behave in a bounty way. It has been quite common for most black men in the UK to say we dont date black girls we only date white women. look at the footballers they are scared to date black women incase the football fans hurl abuse at them which they do anyway but if they have a blonde girlfriend they feel they are fitting in and moving up in the world.
T Says:
August 19th, 2009 at 2:23 pm

Why is it always assumed that pretty girls (or good looking men) are mean, untrustworthy or not suitable partners?

To be honest I am quite fed up of these labels.

As we all know, it is what is on the inside that counts and I can assure you, there are many single gilrs who are as equally lonely, with as good a character!
Bluka Says:
August 24th, 2009 at 2:30 am

My My how I fear for you lost children. I am 58yrs old I was never divorce, I was widdowed after 42 yrs married. My husband was my best friend. He was my other half. He compleated me. we were like two peas in a pod. We loved respected honored and worshipped each other. We were not equal in all things he had his area of superiority and I had mine.On the whole we were equal as no decision were made without both agreeing on it. Sometimes it too longer than others butthat was because we had to talk about it before a decision was made.
He washed he cooked and he cleaned, he was not a sissie, he was a man who looked after his family in whatever way he had too, that was his priority.
He would tell our children stories of how difficult it was for him to whoo me andhow long it took him but he was glad he never gave up.
After six years of beeing alone I meet someone else he is so far as good as the first. So for anyone that thinks that its too late think about this very happy black woman.
It did not matter who brought the largest wage packet into the house, we just made surewhat we had to do got done.
Bobby Lue Says:
August 24th, 2009 at 3:47 am

I am not sure why there are so many single people out there. But I strongly suspect that it has something to do with their percetion of marriage. Most young professionals are terrified of the prospects of living within the constraints of a marrige license. The contemporay single person, it seems, is now considering himself more savvy about partnering-up, because of the horrow stories we see and hear occuring in the media everyday involving devorces, and the loss of pre-marriage possessions.

So what we are left with today is the popular drive-by relationships that is conducted with a hit-and-run. And what is even more remarkable, is the growing number of men and women who subscribe to this way of life, unsafe as it is.

I have to admit that it is a very alluring way of life for the young and young at heart. But it does not speak very well for the institution of marrieage. Maybe relationships are simply evolving. Maybe married couples should live better examples so marriage dosen’t seem so intimidating to those who are single. Many seem to view marriage as too contraining. But here is an idea! Maybe marrige licenses should be made renewable every five years, or so, like a driver’s license. For sure, many would not shy away from the prospects of marriage if they knew they had a less painful way out at the end of five years if things did not work out. Now that would seriously dwindle the pool of “singletons” we have out there. What do you think? Bring on the responses.
Sandy Says:
August 24th, 2009 at 3:27 pm

One of the reason is both men and women are just looking for outward appearance and not what they can both work towards. Ladies dont stop trying because there is someone out there for us all.
R H Christie Says:
August 25th, 2009 at 4:54 am

People are indeed moving away from commitment based relationship today, not necessarily because they are affraid of the “ball and chain” of marriage, but because that is just where we are today. Being single has very little to do with gender inferiority or superiority.

People just seem more comfortable with the evolving forms of modern relationships, which are more sex based and less companionship oriented. That in of itself is a type of relationship that can give a false positive appearance of being single.

In essence, there might be more people involved in relationships than we lead to believe.
Veronica Payne Says:
August 26th, 2009 at 2:50 pm

I have never read such a load of crap in my life. He knows nothing, people are single because all the black men are dead or in prison and the majority of the rest are a bunch of wasters. Women today are not going to be brainwashed about being incomplete without a man. I am one of those 40 something he is talking about and I have been single for over 10 years and I am happy. I don’t need any man to complete me. Black men need to wake up and smell the coffee, and stop putting all their insecurities on black women. Materialistic, gold digger, does not come in one colour (Black). I am sick to death of black men blaming everything on black women. Stand up and be men, – and taker responsibilities for your own failings, black women have enough on their plates without your crap.

Single and happy!
Mark Says:
August 26th, 2009 at 6:44 pm

I think that the reasons highlighted in terms of why some many people are single, are that now relationships are under strain,that old notion of for better for worse have gone out the window,in my own recent experience, I recently seperated from my partner of six years, as a black male in his early 40’s, I want to be with someone, but due to way my last relationship (marriage failed,I realise that I have to take care of me first,to deal with the flaws in me, to improve myself, both mentally, physically and sprirtually, before I can give myself to someone again,yes I get lonely, at times, I am man and have needs, and dont like sleeping alone,or living alone, but I dealing with it,I have also decided to look at myself and reinvent myself,I trying to evolve into a better person,as part of that I doing a degree at University, and plan to masters degree, I pursuing new interests, doing things that wanted to do for a long time, we as black men and women, need to look why, so many people are single, and look beyond just the superifical, I know that their quality sistas out their who would want to be a man like me, I am also open to dating outside my race, in order to not remain lonely, I open to the challenges that will come , if that special lady, is in Canada, US, West Indies, I trust that I will guided to her. In words of someone who I admire, Barack Obama, yes we can yes we can, lets not place limits on ourselves and trust that love will find a way
malaku Says:
August 27th, 2009 at 1:26 pm

Maria you are largely right, about footballers. at the same time, picture this: a footballer goes to a night club predominantly attended by white folks. when he (footballer) is hanging out with his friends, what would a white girl do, compared to what would a black girl do if the footballer goes to a predominantly black night club! it is percieved that the white girl would more likely push up on him, get his attention somehow, go out of her way to pull him, she wants him, she will pull out all the stops. would a black girl (woman) do the same? the black girl is more likley to stand back, whether this is right or wrong, i am not sure. but what happends at the end of the day is that the ‘footballer’ leaves or walks away with the digits of the white girl while in the black club, the black girl just would not give a damn. is it true that white girls are more friendly compared to black girls?
Ann Says:
August 27th, 2009 at 8:11 pm

Donpilco, you are a sterling example of why many women are single after 40. Any well thinking 25 year old or 70 year old woman would pass you by.In addition, there are 100 reasons why it is good to be married but 201 reasons why it is better to remain single. The single women who are unhappy because they are single, should try to let go of the mind set that they need a husband to enjoy life. Get over it a start living! Big up to those with working, happy marriages, you are a dying breed.
maria cross Says:
August 27th, 2009 at 11:35 pm

if we all really took advice from our inner self or soul mate then we would be forever looking for our perfect person. I am convinced that everyone looking should be as open and as positive as possible, both men and women….. there’s loads of us out there……
Tinu Says:
August 30th, 2009 at 11:31 am

Stumbled here by accident but feel compelled to contribute. The law of nature is such that whatever you focus on will expand in your life. You focus on being single, you’ll remain single. You focus on black men/women being no good and you’ll always be attracting the ones that are seemingly no good. Focus on your beautiful self, wonderful gifts and talents, wonderful people out there who are just there to be met, socialised with and enjoyed and you’ll invite more of that into your experience. Focus on what you want to see and you’ll see more of it. Focus on what you DON’T want to see and guess what? You’ll see more of it. Be blessed. Be happy. Don’t worry about a thing.
Donpilco Says:
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:41 pm

Ann, looks like i stepped on your corn(s). Everyone will have a reason to be either in a relationship or not in a relationship. I will reiterate, if you are not in a relationship by 40 forget it! Why should anyone want to haul you out of singledom apart from 55 – 65 year old pensioner? You forget the ratio of good Black men to Black woman is at least 6:1. I’ve seen all you forty plus year old women in the clubs and wine bars trying to compete with the 25 – 35 year olds for men and even when you tell yourselves that you not really looking for a relationship or sex, your bodies and minds are screaming for male companionship and primal calorie swapping activities secretively. So Ann by the sounds of it you are enjoying singleton and advocate singleton to other women. Then next time, you’re at the supermarket pushing your singleton shopping trolley, buying your ready meals for one, red wine, gossip magazines and cat food for Tiddles. Admire that 25 – 35 year sassy woman who’s doing her shopping with her good black man, all glowing and rosy, then, compare and contrast why you’re so cold, bitter and shrivelled up.
malaku Says:
September 3rd, 2009 at 11:55 am

Ann and Donpilco STOP STOP STOP STOP. but Donpilco i have to agree with much of what you say, i have seen those single 40 plus year old women in the night clubs and wine bars and even on the street and wow its not a pleasant sight. even at that older stage in their lives they are confused as to what they really want. sadly, so many are happy with the cat at home, they may have a job a mortgage and a car and maybe a grandchild or two and sadly that is all they have to keep them sane and ‘happy’. lets address the issue of ego, we as a people are so devided and material things like what i have mentioned above are perfect barriers for many (especially women) to fullfill her role as the main magnet to attract her man and keep him (if the man wants to stay). mentally pyschologically speaking, if the woman knows her true strength, she will realise that she is a powerhouse (and in all my years i havent met many who knew she was a mental and physical magnet and powerhouse) which means she is and can be the stronger sex or even the magnet that will make sure she enters into a relationship with a decent man and money and material things will not get in the way of a long lasting relationship. i have come across many a female who it seem that her car, her flat (mortgage or not), even her phone (and it seem she would have more fun getting to know the functions of her mobile phone than getting to know the good guy, if she knows how spot one, that just said hello to her)so lets face it, ego plays a large part in why many of our women are single, whether they be above or below 40… its not that men do not want some of them, ego and materialism gets in the way.
Bobby Lue Says:
September 4th, 2009 at 4:09 am

If I had to guess, I would say more women are probably single than men, not because men have rejected them, but because women no longer need to define themselves by what caliber husband they are able to attract. There was a time when her life was over if she did not snag one before she turned thirty.

But you know guys, I’m rather embarrassed when I see the quality men that women are forced to pick from sometimes. We men can sometimes be a sorry bunch of good-for-one-thing retards you know. And this is the largest contributing factor to why there are so many single women out there.

Consider the hundreds of guys we either know as friends or family, who pops his little blue pill and thinks he is the village rooster who can sleep with every woman in the community, but at the same time he is offering his worn out tired behind as top shelf bread to the next woman. What woman wants a man who every woman has already sat in his face? We men like to hold women to that standard but we think it is OK for us to do. Most women (I think) would much rather be alone than to choose a guy who is a health hazard, or a maniacal egotist.

Having said that though, there is a ton of us guys out there that can be considered “top shelf” quality, but we generally don’t stay single for long it seems. That should tell the rest of us something. And yes guys, it is not just us that have the power to choose or to reject, women now have that power too, and many of us are out there single because we are rejected. Women have long arrived, and if we men have not by now realized that, then we need to travel out from the walls of our primeval caves. I think women are looking for more than just a guy who can turn her back ways, or rattle her bed post. They are looking for partners, just like us, and they don’t have any short comings that we don’t have. So let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Rohan Says:
September 6th, 2009 at 12:50 pm

Who say you have to be coupled? Let your life be free.You done need to explain to any one why you are single.Be what you wanna be wear what you wanna wear, it your life.

Thats why I dont rave in this country cos they tell what age must come to the rave. Age should not be a barrier to enjoy a night out. Why should you think a person cannot wear what they want to?
CLEO Says:
September 6th, 2009 at 7:15 pm

Wait and see what you do when you reach your forty’s before you start judging people.
Mo Says:
September 6th, 2009 at 9:48 pm

Why are there so many single people out there?

I think some are just stuck in a rut, they want to get out of it but are not sure what to do.

They may fear rejection, or being made to feel foolish. Or maybe getting their hearts broken (again) or inviting some psycho into their lives.

They may also have standards which they are not willing to lower. I don’t mean they’re holding out for someone with good looks, riches, property and a glittering career, but just the everyday simple things, such as honesty, integrity, consideration and maturity.

Is this person suitable to be introduced to your parents, family and friends? If not, why be with them? Just because Society dictates that woman is nothing without man?

Its better to be lonely (and improving yourself) than to be with someone who treats you badly, just because they can.

I believe a lot of black people, especially black women, would love to find the right person to marry. Do people even still get married these days? Should one just live with someone instead?

For me? No. Its not enough. If I’m to give my all, supporting my man (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc), I expect at least some of the same back. Otherwise, problems will arise.

This is not a “black woman” thing, it should be an every man and woman thing. Whether one is 25 or 55. Self-respect/esteem/worth has to be key, and if the person you’re with does not acknowledge that, maybe its time to move on.

I think black woman are more reserved than other race women. This “one night stand” business for example. Some black men now seem to expect it.

No more getting to know a woman. No, that’s too much trouble and take too long.

This does not sit comfortably with black women who have a church background or upbringing. Getting intimate with some man and you don’t even know his favourite colour or even if the phone number and name he has given you are true.

Nonsense!

Is that what it takes to get a black man nowadays?

Just walking along the street a while ago, I saw a black man with his white girlfriend. His disdain and mistreatment of her was so obvious I could see it from clear across the street. She made sure she walked a few steps behind him. He fixed up his coat and lit his cigarette and waited for the bus, looking straight ahead, as though she didn’t even exist. She just stood quietly beside him trying not to annoy him.

No black woman, with any self-esteem, would put up with that kind of rubbish!

I’m sure our parents raise us to be independent, to be able to survive without having to jump from man to man, or woman to woman. Or put up with the treatment they themselves may have experienced just to survive.

Maybe, both black men and women have to learn to trust each other again. Whether that will happen, I don’t know.

With, it seems, almost 7 out of 10 black men preferring to date non-black woman, more and more black women have given up on black men. Other race men have noticed this and are moving in!

They are not backwards in coming forward and tend to put a ring on the finger of their woman much more quickly.

Black women: there are some very good black men out there, its just opening our eyes and recognising them when we meet them.

Black men: blond hair, blue eyes, big chest and no knickers is fine at first, but it has no way the substance needed when the going gets tough.

Just try becoming impotent and see happens to your “no black woman wanted here” relationship.
Biron Says:
September 7th, 2009 at 5:44 pm

I honestly feel that this piece is narrow and fail to recognise the many facets there are living in today’s society, although it has legitimacy its focus too much on a particular few. In this time of equality in choices and liberal thinking it is really retro to still hear individuals so entrenched in their gender roles.

My personal view is that both genders display the same characteristics across the social specter;
- Some men never grows up, equally some women too
- Some men are selfish, and so are some women
- Some men are insecure and so are some women
- Some men see women as sex objects and some women see men in the exact same light

It is also fair to recognize that society has changed significantly to bring about an equilibrium between the genders, this as led to men seeing there traditional roles eroding as they witness women take more control of their future. Women are spending more time enjoying and nurturing there youth, building a career and establishing themselves in all walks of life no more should they be seen as young men’s God mothers which is what they become through marriage.

We must also look at what government and big business has done to undermine the institution of marriage, it has been reduced and talked down to ashes with laws introduced to allow same-sex, man/woman and beast, pre-nup agreements, you name it its legal, and the church has remained on the pulpit burning incense whilst it parishioners sit bemused in the there Sunday best.

Come on bros, if you are looking for a cook go to a restaurant, someone to iron your rags yellow pages, a drinking buddy, the pub, and someone to command buy a mirror. Re-evaluate your future and include by all means a partner of equal standing and prepare to work hard in a relationship, then all being well longevity will replace insecurity.

Bless
Biron
Biron Says:
September 7th, 2009 at 5:57 pm

Maluka, that stuff about footballers, come on blood relate man, we are in a culture that is relatively diametrically opposite to ours, in our culture we operate somewhat old school, man approach woman. What you have described is “the dash for cash” mentality; and this is supported in the divorce rates, maybe the sisters have a higher morale code.

Biron
Biron Says:
September 7th, 2009 at 6:08 pm

Maxine

You are wrong, Black men far outnumber Black women in this country and in some places by a ration of 4-1. Just check the national sensor count. Prison drugs and mental issues do play a part in availability but only for those the sisters would not even give the time. Its choice and money why people are single, some due to not using protection when having sex and some because they do not want lawyers to dictate how they share hard earn cash while taking the lions share for themselves. The situation is not an accident it is the result of care social engineering by our unelected house of thieves.

Biron
mark Says:
September 11th, 2009 at 9:11 am

was seeing a black girl ages ago whiles in University, well as a student you are expected to be poor hoping when you finish, you get the whole works, good job, live good and what not, can remember she used to call me wutless, no money, all that stuff, she looked down on my friends who were in inter-racial relationships as well, her brother was married to a white girl which sounded hypocritical.

Funny enough she was not a bad person but just caught up in wider society perception of black men, there are tons of decent black guys out there, in fact thousands, some ‘’sisters” dont make it easy for black men to approach them even if we wanted to, they put this mental block as if to say dont try and talk to me

The ones you meet at work are even worse, will not even say hi to you as if you are in their space, If they are moving up the corporate ladder, its even worse.

I have worked in one or 2 offices that i get that feeling they are ashamed to even be associated with you,

I mean i was not even the office cleaner or clerk, i have a very sucessful career as an IT consultant, what even if i was the office cleaner??

I also think black people are so materialistic, its unreal, the black guys with the best rides seem to attract all the attention from the females, you get asked all sorts of questions ranging from your job title, house car before you get the chance to have a decent conversation

dont really know what the problems are here, what do black women really want from us black men??
sonia Says:
September 11th, 2009 at 3:26 pm

has it never occur to anyone out there that we all are born single so what’s wrong with being single, where is it written that we always have to be married, it is our life to live as we choose been single is not a CRIME because if it is then we all have committed it , jesus was single all of his life, and i am sure he didn’t have a problem with it, so why then should we.
JahLoven Says:
September 13th, 2009 at 4:03 pm

Although the face of God is before all peopele, the fool cannot find it… Wisdom is Supreme.!
nola Says:
September 13th, 2009 at 8:45 pm

Ok we’ve heard a lot of negatives, where can a single female meet a guy who is 50+ and by now should know what he wants. Other than the Voice ads, I find it rather expensive, is there a black single website???
MJ Says:
September 24th, 2009 at 11:39 pm

I agree on some of the points that Mark has mentioned. I have met many black women who seem to have a negative attitude towards black men. We are often portrayed as wutless, useless, job-shy or unambitious. Yes, there are many men that have those unfortunate characteristics, but not all black men are like that. We seem to be almost expected to have all the material trappings, otherwise we are seen as wutless. Meanwhile, it is the real wutless ones – the ones that somehow finance the BMW M3 they drive during the day while most of us are at work – that seem to get the girl.

There are a few things, based on what I have seen in my long years, that I wish many black women would consider about themselves:

Attitude
There are some that have a hard attitude towards black men. I can be walking down a street in London on a nice warm day, dressed in a suit and tie. I see a black woman and give a little smile. Her response? Generally, she will cut her eyes at me. I can smile at any other women and generally get a smile back. It helps make the day a little nicer for both. We all know there is not much to be happy about these days, and people in London in general tend to look miserable, but black women need to drop some of the attitude and smile a bit more.

Weave-ons
The main reason for some black women donning weave-ons of many styles is “So that they can be noticed by black men”, or “It’s the only way black men will see or like me”. In my opinion, that is absolute rubbish. If I wanted a woman with long straight hair, I would go for a woman who has it naturally. A black woman with hair borrowed from someone in Asia is not attractive. To me it looks like they are trying too hard to compete with white and Asian women, and failing big time in many cases. My sister gave up the weave earlier this year (I did gently talk her out of having the weave). She now gets looks because her shoulder-length hair is her own. Give me a shaven-headed sister any time…

Physical selves
It is true that many of us black men admire women with a bit of body. Unfortunately, far too many black women pay too much attention to the weave, fake nails and attitude, and not enough on looking after themselves. And the funny thing is, at the same time, they want a man to ‘look good’. I do not expect all black women to look like Denise Williams or Shelly-Anne Fraser, but seriously, overly-large bottoms in jeans and pot bellies peeking from under a top – plus the said weave and fake nails – is not good.

Note these are not criticisms of all black women as some black men can be just the same. I know fully well that there are many black women out there with beautiful souls within. It just seems that the negatives stand out far more than they should. It is also partly why I remain single, despite all the plenty of soul-searching and looking at myself, attitude mind etc.
Iheoma Says:
September 25th, 2009 at 4:19 pm

Kojo, It’s interesting to read your male point of view, it is definitely a view to consider.

I am like my friends (as tends to be the way) and was born ‘grown’!

I was always very conscious that I had to be responsible, sensible, studious and have standards that I shouldn’t lower just because I may have felt lonely.

Now that I am nearing my late twenties I’m increasingly conscious that:
1] That I am still single when I don’t want to be
2] I’ve not had a serious long term relationship
3] That as a female, my body clock it ticking away.
4] That working in a predominantly caucasian environment, they all (those younger and older than I) have paired off and gotten engaged/married.

I am well educated with good morals a good career and the usual, everybody tells me I’m stunning!
So then why am I still single when I don’t want to be?
I do look out for opportunities and I’ll ‘flirt’ with single men that I find attractive, I don’t limit the flirting to just African men (being African myself) but, I just don’t seem to get offers (from men of similar age anyway. I do however get offers from much older men, go figure!)

I have resigned myself to the fact that maybe I just need some help or to be shown the error of my ways so, I am going to join my first Social Networking event – you know those events you pay a membership fee to join and socialise with people similar to yourself looking for at the very least friendship and companionship right through to those looking for husband or wife.
david joseph Says:
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:58 pm

good points, interesting, the original point carrying serious weight, why we look for the beauty all the time even though she’ll crap on us right from the getgo, even though somewhere else there’s an ordinary woman who’d love us sincerely, man we’re so stupid stupid stupid, we deserve all this … BB King come back to us, sing it again, louder ‘there must be a better world somewhere, every woman I meet has a licence to break my heart,and every love affair is over before it gets a chance to start, if it ain’t here then maybe in the hereafter, instead of fear I’ll learn all about laughter, but meanwhile I’m stuck out here, and it just ain’t fair, but i know, oh Lord i know, there just must be a better world somewhere’.
aplese Says:
November 5th, 2009 at 12:46 am

I’m a singel man, and for me it’s not a big thing to get a girlfriend or spouse, I’m now more focused on my career…anyways it’s more complicated for me LOL
Uk Online Pharmacy Says:
November 5th, 2009 at 11:05 pm

I agree with you. The people are afraid to experience something new, it’s frightening.
fattape Says:
November 16th, 2009 at 3:33 pm

being single is a matter of choice just as choosing to starve rather than work to pay for food to cook and eat is a choice.
but are out there in abundance to satisfy the natural need we just got to get out there and find what we want.
a black woman Says:
December 20th, 2009 at 12:44 am

Yeah you really shouldn’t generalise, not every black woman is the same. You as a black man should know better

Tut tut tut

Back to running my succesful black business with my black husband
Cheryl Says:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:28 pm

Who cares if a women goes to a rave in her thirties, thirties is still young! Who cares about the the type of clothes she wears if she wears them decently and she is a stunner for her age. WHo cares if this women looks young for her age and beautiful.I think that people are single because they have a CHOICE and if that means MEN AND WOMEN going to raves for 18-25 as nowdays this is such a liberal society and people grow up later (who wants to be stuck at home with whining kids anyway) and there is NO AGE to whether you want to go to raves or not ( how irrevelent as everyone is different!) and if you want to dress fashionably then so be it ! YOu sound like you are A sexist man with a slight misogyinst streak! Women are allowed to stay sinlge and have a partner because they have the financial indepence to do so, and enjoy their lives!!!Women at 40 who take care of themselves are as attractive as younger women!!
marco_penne Says:
February 2nd, 2010 at 12:07 pm

WOW ! KOJO, JUDGING BY THE NUMBER OF COMMENTS HERE, THIS IS THE BIG ISSUE. WELL DONE FOR RAISING IT.
James Goldwin Says:
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:55 pm

London is a very reserved city. Unlike European’s we are no where near as sociable, living in a fast past city such as London does not help either. I also believe there are huge social changes, people do now think less about commitment and marriage and I am sure social studies and possible statistics will prove my point. With the amount of women now starting careers, the choice for them to start a family or just even have a relationship is becoming less of a priority. The internet (more a small factor) cushions people from face to face dating, women that would rather talk online that meet face to face. I am sure there are many reasons….some not mentioned, please feel free to comment after this. And women that say there are no descent men out there………………..I could say the same thing about women, but I would be generalising. There are great women and there are great men……………..we cant always ask to meet the people……………and some for the better or worse never really meet their match.
Audios Omegos
Genny Jones Says:
February 26th, 2010 at 8:14 am

This all makes very interesting read.

As a single parent my mian issue now is that I get fed up with some of the negative images that is portrayed about us. I am therefore happy that Gingerbread is now doing something about this.

I became a single parent 6 years ago and at the same time I became redundant, my house was going to be repossessed. I had a lot of debts and my self esteem was at an all time low. Six years on, I managed to sort out my debts, I still have the house, and my self esteem is at an all time high.

I work full time as an online tutor which means I can do the school run and still take my children to their various activities. I run part time business, and I set up a support group to help other parents with the help of Gingerbread. I also set up a project called confident children, where we run half term and holiday activities for children. Parents make a donation and we get some funding to do this.

As a mother raising boys, I do also have male role models to help me with my children. Right now if I do meet someone that’s fine but really I just make the most of my life each day.
Gboyega Okunniga Says:
April 16th, 2010 at 2:30 pm

95 percent of the comments on this blog revealed an uncomfortable fact: Most commentators seemed to be approaching the matter from a racial angle. The blog has nothing to do with colour or origin. It is a simple question of tackling the genesis of singleness in today’s social settings. The problem can be traced to the social system enabled by the British government. A system that rewards very young ladies who are put in family ways and lazy young men with free cash is pathetic. An education system that forbid corporal punishment will only produce ill-mannered singles who will not have the necessary discipline to initiate or carry on a proper relationship with anyone, no matter the colour. Lord Denning, in the family story, said ” You cannot put something on nothing and expect it to stay there, it will collapse” Only sound upbringing will produce sound relationship and ultimately a sound marriage.
carol johbson Says:
May 10th, 2010 at 7:48 pm

The life of black women change when they have to complete with white and mixed race women who will spend all the money they have on their man. Many of us black women then had to share our ‘baby father’ with these women, who will tell you that you are too black and your so called man prefers white or lighter women to us. Nonetheless we have these children hoping that they will continue with black race programme in the end we become the state dole queen and our children became the next generation who resent and hate their own father. You black men out there we have a right to be angry with you and it’s is no wonder we resent you so much. Make sure you remember this when your white and light skinned women call you a black b***ard – you men created them! You should all go to prison for child neglect!
Patricia Arnold Says:
May 17th, 2010 at 4:59 pm

Gboyega

There is a lot truth in what you say. I’m 51 and had a child in my late teens. Back then I knew of many young women who had babies as a way of obtaining money or a council flat from the state and then went on to claim benefits. And many men were happy to let the state look after their children. And we know this still goes on today.

My choice was to make the best of my life and go to work and support myself whether the father of my child assisted me or not. A lot of women are just burnt out from raising children on their own and having little support and then on top of that adult children who can’t or won’t take responsibility for themselves. So Lots of women become embittered and distrustful of men.

And you are right that it’s not a race thing because people from other races have problems too. It’s not just black people.
Jacqui Says:
August 22nd, 2010 at 9:07 pm

Interesting article. I think people find themselves single for a number of reasons:

* More options – my parents are in their sixties. They met in their early twenties. It was not the done thing to date for years and years, seen as socially unacceptable infact.

Now people in their twenties won’t even entertain the notion of settling down.

The result, they reach their 30’s and start panicking!

Young adults live an extended childhood. Many people in their twenties have a relationship akin to dating in your late teens…i.e. simply hanging out and having sex.

London is fast paced, much of the entertainment for people in their twenties centres on alcohol, raving etc, in large groups with people you may not know well.

In other countries / communities, they are more social in terms of relating/talking, which breeds better quality interaction and more chance of finding a lasting relationship.

Expectations – both men and women seem to be searching for the ‘perfect’ man/woman. Back in the day, you simply found someone attractive, who shared similar goals and decided to make a future together. Waiting for the mythical ideal, wastes time and may never materialise.

I think the cure is simply this:
BE THE BEST version of yourself at all times, be it sorting out your career/finances, your health/appearance.

STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Stop hanging out at places you know you won’t enjoy. Try something new…even if it means *gasp* going on your own!

NETWORK. We do it for work, why not relationships. Open your mouth and tell people you’re looking! Choose half a dozen close friends /family. Open your mouth and tell people you’re seriously looking. The next time your cousin/best mate/colleague is chatting to a single friend who’s bemoaning the fact there are no decent men/women, s/he may say ‘well, acutally I know someone you may like to talk to’.

COUNSELLING – if you have deeper issues to resolve, e.g. childhood trauma, bereavement, abuse or simply a nasty break up – get some professional help. Sometimes talking things through can move you forward, change your outlook and help you identify what it is you’re looking for.

STOP TIME WASTING – maximise your options, be it online, new hobbies etc, just crack on. Don’t assume Mr/Ms Right will ring your doorbell one day out of the blue!

CHANGE YOUR ‘TYPE’ – You don’t need to be Einstein to work out it;s time for someone new if your constantly date people with the same negative behaviour. Go for the opposite. Don’t focus on the superficial.

KEEP YOUR STANDARDS – This is key. By standards I simply mean principles. She’s possessive, he plays games? Walk! Too many people allow themselves to be mistreated, nothing changes, relationship ends and one or both parties feels bitter for a while, holding back the next potential relationship.

Yes, it’s important to compromise, but NEVER comprise your self respect, feelings, values or safety. if you do it will drain/damage you and make it harder to trust or even notice the right person for you.

SMILE! Sounds daft, but we do avoid eye contact in London. Be open, make conversation sometimes…

TRUST – if you don’t try you’ll never know. Give it a go